The Travelogue, Part XXXVI - A Finnish Dictionary

The Finnish Maiden

When you live in a foreign country and both you and the inhabitants are forced to communicate in an alien language, misunderstandings abound. This is of course equally true in Finland, where the English word used might reflect something entirely different than you would normally assume. To prevent you from falling into some of the many pitfalls if you ever venture here, I have collated some of the more common words so you know the subtle differences in meaning between Finland and the rest of the world.


My Finns - I know some of you won't respond kindly to this, so just see it as a test of humour. :)

Geography 

Finland and surroundings

"An American, a Russian and a Finn watch their neighbour drive by in his new sports car. The American shouts: 'Awesome car dude, you're really doing well for yourself!'. The Russian mutters between his teeth: 'Man, I'd really like a car like this.' The Finn quietly thinks to himself: 'I hate the fucker. Who does he think he is? I hope he just crashes and dies.'"

- common Finnish joke 

Finland: The glorious maiden-shaped Duchy of Finland who achieved independence from Russia and Sweden, won the Winter War despite inferior forces, home of Nokia and Mika Haekinnen and best country to live in (apart from during winter). Not "The little country up there where Sweden is."

Helsinki: ->capital

Russia: neighbouring country that lusts for Finland's rich natural resources and innumerable work force. Built all pretty buildings in Helsinki and now apparently wants them back.
Sweden: Imperialist neighbour hated for 800 years of cultural hegemony and forcing Finns to learn Swedish in school.

Stockholm: town you sleep in to cure the hangover of the cruise from -> Finland before you head back the next day 
Swede - snob, arrogant prick, or faggot
Swedish Finn - half-snob, half-prick or half-gay

Thailand: hot place you go to meet other Finns on summer vacation when it's hot in Finland anyway

Tampere: Wannabe ->capital

Turku: Former ->capital for people who haven't made it to Helsinki yet

Jyväskylä: Hillbillie town meets star architect

Lappland: where Santa lives, in his own amusement park for Japanese people.

Karelia: stretch of land in lost to ->Russia that Finland needs back to solve its overpopulation problem

Society

Finnish Independence Monument

"Depression in Finland is a bit like the Football world cup in Germany - everyone does their best to excite everyone to join in."  

-Me

 

Holidays - Government-alloted amount of workdays including Saturdays you have accumulated from April to April at a rate of 2 days per month to be spend recreationally during the summer period in Finland instead of in winter when you would most want to leave.

Lottery - what you won when you are born and live in Finland. Kids learn this in school.

Fashion: what was hip in Sweden long enough ago that no one thinks you're Swedish
World War II: entertainment category between the "Comedy" and "Horror" shelves in the video rental store
Red light: an impregnable barrier that keeps you from crossing the road despite lack of cars
Lunch: late breakfast (~ 11:00)
Suicide: usually includes wife and kids
Army: first and last line of defense against ->Russia. Also only official certifier of your worth as Finnish man.
Complaining: Finns are allowed to complain about everything. Foreigners are limited to the following: weather, cold, taxes, Alko closing times, Swedes, darkness. Complaining about anything else will be considered ungrateful and impolite.
Hobby: diversion from ->depression
Sport: preferred ->hobby, as it is healthy, cheap and requires little talking to other people

Tradition and Culture 

Students in their uniform on Vappu

"Leuka rintaan ja kohti uusia pettymyksiä."

(Chin down and towards new dissapointments.)

- Finnish saying

Design Capital 2012: ->Helsinki
Aalto - one of the two designers, famous for the Aalto Vase
Maija Isola - the other of the two designers, created the famous Marimekko flower print
Alko: national liquor store with monoploy. Opens when you're at work and closes before you get home. Used to be called "Oy Alkoholiliike", but similarity to "Oi, Alcoholic!" caused a re-branding.
Vappu (May Day): excuse to get drunk (wearing a university overall)
Johanus (Midsummer): excuse to get drunk (around a bonfire)
Joulu (Christmas): excuse to get drunk (next to a fir tree)
Itkuvirsi: folk music, literally meaning crying psalm
Spring: season created through Finnish force of will by wearing shorter clothing despite nature's lack of thermic compliance
Summer - the greatest thing about Finland and the only reason why Finnish people make it through the winter
Vittu: meaning pussy, roughly equals the use of fuck!/fucking in English. Uses include "Haista Vittu!" - Fuck off (lit. "Go smell pussy") or "Voi Vittu!" - Oh shit (lit. "Butter pussy!").
Jallu(vina): the devil in glasses
Salmiakki: the devils younger equally evil sister
Lonkero: alcopops on tab
Mökki: countryside hut where Finns traditionally go in summer to greet the newborn mosquitoes

Social Interaction 

"Kellä onni on, se onnen kätkeköön." 

 (Let the one possessed by happiness conceal his happiness.)

- Finnish saying

Compliment: elsewhere: an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration which might or might not be sincere. Finland: a sincere expression of sexual interest by insincere means
Troll (m./f.): what Finns become under the influence of too much alcohol. It's like full moon for werewolves.
Trollsex: what you will be getting when you take a -> Troll home after a night out.
Staying overnight: Social fauxpas that will make the bed's owner assume you either are too drunk to walk home or that you desire a relationship.
Smalltalk: talking about anything else than your most immediate needs. Anything concerning topics above tier 2 on the Maslow's Pyramid is small talk.
Silence: socially perfectly acceptable answer to any asked ->question
Extrovert: talks to friends of friends without introduction
Question: sign of lack of self-reliance and perseverance in solving your own problems
Fuss: what you are causing when addressing a problem
Bragging: what a Finnish professor in francophone literature does when he claims he "picked up a little French along the way."

More Commonly Confused Words

2012 Presidential election poster

"How to turn a death sentence into lifelong imprisonment: ask to learn Finnish for your last wish." 

- Finnish joke

Pop: metal
Fridge: closet that keeps food warm in winter
Spice: Salt 
Affair: impending marriage
Sociable: slutty just without the sex part
sarcasm: a lie or insult in the assumption that either will automatically include wit and humour.
dating: laborious American way of getting laid
Tango: Polka
Capital: over-sized village
Flirting: free drinks
Shy: socially inept 
Doing well: being hated
Ice Hockey: football 

The Travelogue, Part XXXV - Finland: Land of Comfortable Silence

Finland

Some of you might know I recently moved to Finland. Many of you have been asking me what it is like. Now that I have been here for a month I will share my first tentative observations. Currently I am making these from the safe location of Helsinki, but I expect to be a bit more intrepid in the near future.

Helsinki itself is a medium sized town on the southern Finnish coast, sprawling across a scattering of beautiful islands. This coastal location makes it much warmer then the rest of Finland, so you might be surprised to hear that is actually not 'that cold'. In fact it's often warmer then, for example, Berlin and gets the same leisurely 30 degrees in summer. It has a lovely Russian classicist center and the sea is never far.

So what have my experiences with Finns been so far? I just want to mention two subjects that I repeatedly find myself confronted with.

Finnish Identity

Sandwiched between Russia and Sweden, always under hegemony from either of the two, Finland only became a nation as late 1917. Apart from language, Finland has little unique cultural definitions of its own, as I had to learn visiting the national museum. This is probably why Finns are exceptionally keen on pointing out the multitude of Finland's achievements over the course of its short history. To do my part and pass on the glory of Finnish ingenuity I shall introduce you to some of the most important Finnish contributions to human history.

 The Dish-Drying Cupboard

Probably the most Finnish of inventions, the Dish-Drying Cupboard is simple, understated and practical. Washed dishes are put over the sink to dry, conveniently hidden in the cupboard. I don't know why it's so rare outside Finland, as it is pretty ingenious.

The Molotov Cocktail

Yes, that's right: the Molotov cocktail. During the Finnish war (1939-40) against Russia, the Finnish army found itself severely outnumbered and under-equipped. The valiant defense of the Finnish guerrilla gathered the Finns a lot of respect in Europe and serves as the prime example for the Finnish most defining character trait: sisu. Commonly translated as "gritty perseverance" it basically means you are a tough fucker. You know, the type of guy who will make a point by hacking a hole into the ice to take a swim, just because he can. The Molotov Cocktail is named after the Russian foreign minister of the time, which is pretty much his only claim to fame.

The Mumins

Created by Tove Janson, the Mumins have achieved international renown ever since they received feature film treatment in Japan. The Mumins are a family of troll-like creatures inhabiting the Finnish forest (and at times other places). The series is commonly considered kids entertainment, but includes dealing with sophisticated topics such as materialism and depression. The Mumins still remain bestsellers and have just recently spawned a new TV show.

Linux

The famous free open source software with the annoying penguin mascot now has an estimated 60 million users. The Finn Linus Torvalds created its base in 1991 and it has since steadily grown to become the world's largest free open source operating system.

Despite all these famous contraptions, some Finns seem to be on a veritable crusade to fight Finland's ever-looming descent into obscurity, producing what they believe to be a famous person or event in Finnish history for virtually every conversation subject you might broach. If necessary, even 1957 Miss World Marita Lindahl will be pulled from the depths of beauty pageant history to illustrate Finland's claim to international renown. If you preemptively present yourself to be knowledgeable in Finnish fame history you will avoid getting lectured and you might even win a smile.

Finnish social culture

In terms of social ambiance, Moving to Finland from the UK is a bit like moving from the green meadows into the desert. Let me illustrate. I went out with a friend of mine. On the table, we meet a lot of his other friends. As they are friends of my friend, I figured I should introduce myself. I walk up to the first person. "Hey, I'm Florian." and extend my hand. The person looks at me with an expression of utter indifference. After some seconds of unexpected silence, he says: "You know, in our culture you don't need to say anything if have got nothing to say." I stand there for another three or so awkward seconds before I try to retract my extended hand as naturally as possible.
As you can see, having a friendly chat with strangers is not exactly rooted in Finnish society. But I have gathered five preliminary rules to help you avoid similar situations of awkwardness when you go out to socialize in Finland.

Rule of the Drink
The secret to enjoyable conversation in Finland is being able to judge the individual drinking capabilities of the person you talk to. You want to catch your conversation partners at about 75% drunkenness. Before they lack the social lubricant to converse and past that they'll be too wasted to talk.

Rule of Physical Distance
My Finnish workmate calls it the rule of the fist. If you are within a (stretched-out) fist's range, you are to close. Don't touch, don't hug, don't kiss. Unless you are both correctly estimated to be past 75% drunkenness. This may sound limiting, but do not despair: with many Finns this is a daily occurrence.

Rule of Exact Information
Finland is a very information-efficient country. Say more than required and people will consider you a nuisance, say less than necessary, and things will go awry, as Finns will not make any assumptions on their own. So don't expect the bus driver (or anyone else on the bus) to tell you which station to get off just because you asked whether the bus is going there.

Rule of Self-reliance
While this principle transcends conversation, the ideal of sisu has a profound conversational effect. People will make you feel like an idiot if you ask questions. After all, you could have spend two hours figuring things out on your own now, couldn't you.

The Rule of Comfortable Silence
When there is nothing of importance being discussed, silence between two conversation partners is not anything to get uncomfortable about. Finns will not consider you a bad conversation partner if you say nothing.

Socializing with women is marginally easier, mainly because someone needs to take care of the procreation business when all the men have passed out. Finland is also supposed to be one of the most gender-neutral countries on earth. It was the first nation to establish full voting rights for women, and is still on the forefront of gender equality. Employment among women is as high as among men, and many of the state-run services, such as free daycare for children, make sure it stays that way. All this makes Finnish women refreshingly hands-on. Finnish women are the type of girl who will get her high heels off and help you carry your couch into your apartment right before she's about to go on a night out, as it happened to me three days ago. Flirting is an almost exclusively female domain in Finland, as Finnish men are usually either too shy to make a move or too drunk to be attractive. So don't be surprised when women are very explicit about their intentions...one of my Italian colleagues was so frightened he asked me for protection the other day...