The Travelogue, Part XV - Thailand: How to Make the Most of It

When people come to Thailand, two of the first things they do is eat Thai food and get a Thai massage. Sadly though, many never actually experience either, despite belief. Tourist demand has caused innumerable amounts of "Thai Restaurants" and "Thai Massage" parlors to spring up along streets in any major tourist destination, handing tourists a watered down experience, only vaguely resembling the actual thing. This is a little guide on how to actually get a good Thai massage, and on how to find authentic Thai food.

How to Get a Good Thai Massage

This is a collection of both two talks I had with Thai massage therapists and my own experience.

This is how it not looks.

Location
Most people take this hump, but frequently enough I hear people go: "...and then she patted me on the back a few times and was looking like she was waiting for me to say something, and then I realize; this is actually a whorehouse!"
Brothels and massage parlours are actually easy to tell apart: If the girls wear makeup and tight dresses, it's a brothel. If they wear shirts and are in their thirties, then it's a massage business. Any signs that hint to personalized service, such as "special massage" or advertising rooms to rent for cheap in the same building are dead giveaways.
It also pays well to stray from the main tourist areas, often a better (and cheaper) local place is hiding just minutes away. Simple looking exterior usually means good massage.

Massage or Rub
Assuming that you are now not in a whorehouse, the quality of your massage if probably your next concern. To establish that, you must first decide what you actually want: someone giving you a relaxing petting session (to which I will refer to as a 'rub') or an actual massage, which are actually two quite separate things. There's nothing wrong with getting a rub, if that's what you are looking for, but in case you are looking for an actual massage, here is how you can spot it:

The Masseur
Traditional massage is a method to cure a problem, such as back pain, stomach ache or chronic illness. It was used by specialist doctors as a means (among many, such as herbal medicines) of medical treatment. Now you wouldn't go to a doctor without a good reason, right? If you walk into a massage parlor and get "just a Thai massage" is a bit like going to a western doctor and saying you want "just some pills". A good traditional massage therapist will first ask you about or, in most cases, diagnose your problem first, usually using classical methods such as pulse and tongue diagnosis and only then administer any treatment. They are usually surprisingly accurate and will tailor massage treatment specifically to your condition.
Certificates on the wall are no guarantee for a qualified masseur (A forged Harvard diploma in Unicorn Taming is just 10$ in Thailand), and neither are the ubiquitous posters of acupressure points or foot reflexology. The majority of masseurs will have no clue about them, but if you fancy some loss of face in action, ask them about it.
A clean place and a non-spa ambience is usually a good sign for a quality masseur, who just wants to get a job done. Rub places usually have more furnishings, glitter and music.

The Massage
Getting a Thai massage should make you feel relaxed and energized afterwards, but contrary to many peoples perception, the actual treatment is far from relaxing. In fact, it will hurt plentiful. Loosening the blockages in your body requires significant amount of force, and the fact that the worse the respective condition is the more the Sen lines (similar to the meridians in Chinese medicine) will hurt upon being massaged. It will be a "good" pain though, and you should trust your body and endure. If you feel like a mixture between a demonstration puppet for a Yoga class and a half empty tube of toothpaste to be squeezed out, then you've got right. Cracking and popping of bones is common on the better ones, and use of feet as a massage tool is also frequent.
If it's a foot massage, the difference between a massage and a rub is easy to find out: if certain spots get  repeated, strong pressure from the masseur and that hurts, it's a massage. If there are lots of of flat, long strokes, she (or he) is just doing whatever.

Price and Aftermath
A proper Thai massage should set you back by about 300 Baht per hour, unless it comes with additional treatment, such as herbal medicine or nutrition counseling, which can make it up to 600 Baht. The Thai price is about half of that, and if you get along well with the staff you might pay less. Often you are asked to return the next day to see if your condition has improved, which should be free. Well versed practitioners often give dietary recommendations based on Chinese medicine, or other additional lifestyle advice. I cannot say much about whether they are efficient, but they certainly don't seem harmful.
I find that after a good massage it feels like I'm stoned for another hour or so, but that might be up to the individual.

How To Get Good Thai Food

Kao Soi

Location
Unless for some reason you are really, really lucky, you will not get Thai food in any resort or in any beachside restaurant in a tourist spot. It's simply a bad deal for the owners. To quote the chef of a beach bar in Ko Tao: "Farang don't like Thai herb, farang don't like Thai vegetable, farang don't like spicy. You serve once, they not come again. So not keeping fresh food, better go to street." Or in other words: Since many foreigners who come to the main tourist areas have little or no experience with Thai food, they are reluctant to order it, and if they do, they will shun anything short of bland. This obviously means that there is no point for the cook to keep high quality ingredients and thusly you won't get good food even if you ask for it.The rule of thumb is: the more it looks like a "nice" place, the worse the food is going to be. The place you want to go to looks like a tiled garage with lots of plastic chairs. Some guidebooks will tell you to go where it's packed with locals, but some places are popular at certain times, and as a non-working tourist you just might be around when it's quiet, so don't rely on that. Also some places are more geared towards take away, so if you think it might be good, give it a try even if it's empty.
Another good option are the various food stalls, especially at night markets. They may not look particularly clean, but most people acquire their traveler's diarrhea from contaminated Western food (less throughput, longer sitting times for perishables), not from hawkers. Most of these do only one or two dishes, and have no menus (see below).
Never order Thai food in a "Serves Western and Thai food" place. It is never any good, so you might as well go for the Western food, which you know and where you can judge quality.

Yes.

 

 

No.

Ordering
Now if you have found a promising place, you might find that the staff speaks no English. Most of the time you might be handed an English menu. The problem with it is that it will list only a few all-time favourites, such a Phat Thai, which you'll have seen a hundred times and which the (usually quite specialized) restaurants will not be good at preparing. Try asking: "Thaan ('a' as in 'car') arai dee?" so they recommend you something. If they are unsure, try "Mee arai peesaat ('a' as in 'care')?" asking for their specialty. Just say yes to whatever they recommend, it usually is good and chances that it will be something weird, such as chicken feet are very very slim. Knowing the basic words Gai (chicken), Koong (Prawn), Muu (Pork) and Plaa (Fish) does help.
Food stalls usually serve only one or two dishes, so if you look interested enough and nod, they will just give you whatever they serve. If it requires choices on your behalf, they will usually pick the most common options for you, so just trust them. At markets you can order from several places and sit down anywhere, there are no seats allocated to stalls.

Spiciness
If you like it spicy (and by that, I actually mean moderately), make sure that you say: "Pet OK." when you order, otherwise you will get the minimum amount of spice as a precaution. Remember that what makes Thai food spicy also gives it flavour, and staying clear of all things peppery will significantly dilute your food experience. You'll almost always find some chili in your dish, but they are not all spicy: the big green ones are more like bell peppers, and it's the little ones you gotta watch out for. Your body gets used to spiciness quite quickly within a week or so, after which you should be able to eat most things, so train yourself a bit, it's worth it. Eating rice or milk products will reduce the burn, all else (including water) will make it worse.

The Travelogue, Part XII - Thailand: Sanuk, Songkran, Spirithouses

When in my last post I said there is little that people wouldn't know about this lovely country, I now stand corrected. If you don't hang out with Thai people or read up on Thai culture and mindset, it is easy to miss many of the cultural quirks and differences that make Thailand the amazing place that it is. These are some impressions I had, some of which you might also find in guidebooks, should you ever go. Some pictures needed to be taken off the internet, as my camera has given up the ghost.

Sanuk

Probably one of the most essential words when talking about Thai culture is Sanuk, roughly meaning "fun". Very sociable people as the Thai are, Sanuk can never be experienced just by yourself, and always requires the company of others. Eating, drinking and going out together are all very Sanuk activities and seem to occupy the vast majority of Thai free (and often work) time. One of the most vivid examples of Sanuk are the weeklong waterfights around Songkran, which sees whole families drive around on pickup trucks and shower pedestrians with water guns. Part of Sanuk seems to be that you are expected to play along, no matter your condition or age, so consequently one finds that even respected and elderly Thai take part in all kinds of good old childish fun. If you want to escape from any Sanuk experience, however, social etiquette leaves you little room. The laws of harmony apply for Sanuk as well, and not taking part when it's in order is definitely a social faux pas, earning you a reputation as a spoilsport, which in the fun loving world of Thailand is a more severe title then it may sound at first.

Pace of Life

"Mai pen rai" - "Doesn't really matter", is a term I got to hear a lot. The desire for social harmony and keeping calm in the face of annoyance is one of the key habits that make Thais so enjoyable to be around. Bus not coming on time - mai pen rai. Spill a drink - mai pen rai. Be an hour late - mai pen rai. Contrary to certain tourists' perception, making fun of Thai people is not mai pen rai at all, even if it may appear so, and when talking with Thai friends they made it quite clear that they often understand much more than most farang think they do, but will not let it show. Owed to this habit of suppressing personal feelings, when Thai people snap, they do so with scary intensity. The few public displays of anger I have encountered where of such unrestrained violence that it again makes me wonder if Asian social culture breeds healthy personalities. Use of weaponry, even against women, is common in such disputes, and outcomes are often fatal. Authorities are by definition entitled to give free reign to these violent tendencies while in office, a privilege they seem to use extensively, and one shouldn't count on being treated any different as a foreigner.

These occasional incidents aside, I find Thais to be extraordinarily pleasant people. Partially this is because they are generally more content with their lives than we are in Europe, having less ambition to achieve grander things when food, family and sanuk are provided for. Mind you that by lack of ambition I don't mean laziness, rather a certain wisdom in knowing when to stop. Quoting a tuk tuk driver in Chiang Mai when asked if he earned enough money: "I drive you around two times, have enough money to get good food for one day. I drive around two of you, and I have place to sleep. Rest of the day: have chat, sleep, meet wife." Students I meet seem all equally refreshingly modest in their goals, carrying none of the rabid desire to smother their life in extravagant experiences and personality enhancements that have become so ubiquitous in the industrialized nations.

Propriety

Although typical farang behavior might suggest otherwise, Thailand is a very conservative country. Family values, chaste conduct for girls and the institution of marriage are important even for the more rock'n'rolly types. When speaking with Thais about those topics, it shines through that they are not very happy with how many tourists behave in their country, and complying with some of the basic rules will earn you not only respect, but also lower prices and friendlier faces. Running about without a shirt is considered pretty tasteless by most Thais, who will even go for a swim fully clothed. Same goes for showing (opposite sex) affection in public, so smooching (not to speak of shagging) when other people can see you can anger some Thais, even if they might seem unperturbed. Employees in tourist resorts are obviously more understanding of the cultural differences, but from what I gather they still consider you to be a pretty lose person, especially if you are a woman. Hollywood hasn't helped that issue, giving many Thais the impression that all western girls are pretty much all hookers and nutcases.
Thai girls who get physically friendly in public, especially with farang, are looked down upon, even if they are not prostitutes, and for many Thai men intact virginity is still an important asset when choosing a partner. Just like in Iran, men are expected to enter marriage with some sexual experience despite universal chastity of girls, so the inevitable result is flourishing, if illegal, prostitution (see below).

Drinking

A common mistake made by many Westerners is falling victim to the incorrect assumption that Asians can't hold their liquor. While they usually cannot compete with regular imbibers of large alcohol quantities, such as students or after-workers, the drinking habits and social pressure to drink in most Asian countries gives them enough practice to be able to overcome the alcohol sensitivity that about 50 % of the Asian population are affected by.

Thais (just like the Japanese and Chinese) love to drink. Most of the type they drink beer and whiskey along with food, but since drinking out with friends is very Sanuk  (see above), Thai parties can be very inebriated affairs. Most of the time though, instead of individual drinks, a large bottle of Whiskey (or two to three) is bought among a group of friends and then shared with soda or coke. This practice is so common that in some Thai clubs I couldn't even buy individual drinks apart from beer. Who'd blame them, considering you can get a bottle from around 250 Baht (~ 5 Pounds). The communal bottle is then positioned at the table or even the bar, and can be left entirely unattended in even a crammed club. Try that in England.

It's considered polite to watch people's glass contents and pour new whiskey and ice if it's nearing empty, which means that you should drink steadily and slowly, as helpful friends will refill your glass every time you run out. While this can work as a subtle way to control your friends' intoxication level, be aware that, since you are farang, you are considered to always needing way more then your new-found friends, who'll do their best to get you as drunk as possible.
By far the most common drink is beer and whiskey (also for girls), but all my Thai friends heavily discouraged me from drinking the cheap issue Samsong that is found in most cocktail buckets. I mean, if someone offered you a bottle of Whiskey for 2 Pounds in Europe, would you drink it? Exactly.

The King

His Majesty King Bhumibol Adulyadej has been ruling the country since 1946, making him the longest ruling current head of state on the planet. The Thai people are extremely fond of their king, and his image can be found on every public building and many private homes. Unlike many other more well-known monarchs, King Bhumipol is actually a talented and politically savvy individual. Apart from having contributed to the nation's wellbeing with large-scale local development (some from his own personal funds) and his very own patents, he is also an accomplished author, painter, photographer and jazz musician, and has managed to keep the country together despite a staggering 15 coups de etat during his lifetime.

His son, however, is an entirely different character, and street hawkers and stock traders alike fear the day he will come to power. Despite censorship and extremely harsh lese majeste laws, Thai people are well aware of the crown prince's dubious private life: in all appearances Vajiralongkorn is a decadent slacker of little to no interest in politics apart from his personal enrichment, and the celebration of his poodle's birthday has become legendary among Thai gossipers. Some people (both Thai and expats) consider the issue pressing enough to make their stay in Thailand dependent on what will happen once Bhumipol passes away, and not few predict chaos, disorder and even the collapse of the entire Thai state.

Monkhood

Traditionally a well respected part of Thai society, the sangha has lost a lot of its reputable status in the recent years. Just like in medieval Europe, donning the robes has been a convenient way for criminal offenders to hide or escape prosecution, and several monasteries where found to be havens for prostitution, smuggling and drug dealing. Learning that monks are not saints has been a painful process for many Thais, and criticism of Buddhism and monks in particular is still falling victim to censorship. One notable exception is the movie "Mindfulness and Murder", which has gathered both international and Thai renown, and I highly recommend it to anyone interested in a different side of Thailand.

Even without any scandals, interest and belief in Buddhist doctrines is on the decline. Fewer and fewer Thai boys undergo the traditional period of being a novice and many smaller monasteries have funding problems. If you join one of the monk chats offered in bigger cities, you'll find that the majority of young monks is more interested in haircuts, punk music and the girl next door than their spiritual advancement.

Sex Trade

Many foreign tourists come to Thailand each year, not to see any of its jungles and beaches, but to take advantage of its infrastructure for buyable love. It is estimated that prostitution generates as much as 40% of Thailand's total GDP, in some regions, like the poor north east, it's as high as 80%. Having had a chat with a prostitute in Bangkok, she told me her life story, which is almost exemplary: born in the northeastern provinces, drought had forced her parents to find ways to sustain themselves and their children. While her brothers became monks, she ran away to longer be a burden on her parents and made it to Bangkok, where she started working as a prostitute as she couldn't find any other job. All her money goes back home to support her family, whom she tells she is a waitress in an expat bar. Thais seem to be well aware of this system, which might be one of the reasons why prostitution does not carry such a heavy social stigma as it does in many western countries (her friends all knew). In fact, while many foreigners would believe otherwise, prostitution in Thailand is not a product of farang tourism; the vast majority of Thai (or Burmese) prostitutes cater to the Thai market, and having extra- or premarital sex with prostitutes is a generally accepted (and even encouraged) practice dating back centuries.

Homosexuality and Gender Issues

One thing I found quite refreshing is that gender identities in Thailand can be picked relatively freely. So if, for example you see a girl with a boy haircut in skate shorts playing football, she must by no means be a lesbian. The same goes for boys: if you want to be effeminate, no one will think you any different, and I met many Thai boys who went for "the gay style" all the way, but claimed they were straight as a log. Now you might argue that this is somewhat the case in Europe, even if less frequent. Then how about the ladyboys?

Much more frequent then most foreigners assume, gatoey work in many different levels of society, and many of them eschew the drag queen style so often associated with transsexuals. As an example of the fluid gender identities in Thailand might serve Nong Tum, gatoey actor, model and Thai boxing champion. Working in my acommodation at the reception, a gatoey named May explained elaborately to me how much she hated ladyboy prostitutes, who would give all people the impressions that gatoey are hookers. While we're at that topic, a word of caution: ladyboy prostitutes are often heavily drugged and prone to violence, and incidents of stabbing are common. Besides that, ladyboys are quite well accepted in Thai culture and even have their own language particles ('ha' instead of krap/kha). Tolerance is not as prevalent (unsurprisingly) in Christian and Muslim communities, where they are presecuted or outcast.

Songkran

The Thai New Year (this being my third new year in , well, a year), unlike the Gregorian celebration lasts somewhere between three and six days, during which the various rites are performed. These rites, consisting of ritual washings and family visits are, while still performed by many, mostly a backdrop for relentless drinking and nation-wide water fights. The best (some would say the worst) Songkran is allegedly to be had in Chiang Mai, where the celebrations start about two days early and finish several days after the official ending (15th April). During this time, the city fills up with revelers, Farang and Thai alike, turning the inner town into a minefield of garden hoses, super soakers and buckets full of chalk water. No one is spared, whether it be monks or businessmen with their laptops; if you're out during Songkran, you are a viable target. DO NOT count on being exempted because of any condition (toddlers, disability, expensive equipment), so if you have to avoid the water, don't go out.

What sounds fun for one day (and hell, it is), I found quickly becomes boring, as you cannot do anything else during those five days, as even closed taxi doors don't keep you from getting soaked (they get opened, so lock them). Additionally, about 700 people die on Songkran every year, most of them in traffic accidents, but suffocation and drunk street fights are also common causes.

Spirit Houses

A remnant of pre-Buddhist belief, spirit houses are found around almost every Thai house. Placed in an auspicious location where a building is being constructed, it is believed to pacify the spirit of the land the house is built upon. Quality of the spirit house is to mirror the importance and size of the actual building, and spirit houses for giant skyscrapers and palaces can easily cost a few thousand pounds and can even have elaborate sculptured gardens surrounding them. Regular offering are made to the spirit, so it does not bring bad luck upon the house. While stating they don't actually believe in it, even more modern-minded Thais keep this practice alive, as it is seen as a endearing and aesthetically pleasing tradition. You will also find that drivers often honk when passing spirit houses of mountain and forest gods along the roadside, to avoid accident.

Style

I was under the silent and often propagated assumption that Western popular culture is dominating most developing countries, and that American movies, English pop and Italian fashion would be setting the standards also for Thailand. I had totally underestimated the cultural gravity of Asia's very own pop culture, which has its home in Japan, and more importantly, South Korea. When Thai teens look for style and music, they look north, to the outrageously styled penisular pop idols and glamour models. With the excessive hairspray and crazy couloring comes revealing clothing and cutesy accessories. While this provokes only some public concern (such as higher chance of mosquito bites from wearing hot pants), the desire to have alabaster skin has a much more profound effect on youth culture: bleaching treatments, often of dubious chemical nature are highly sought after, and contact with the sun is avoided as much as possible, creating a serious body identity problem in young Thai girls (and boys), big enough for a Thai psychologist I met to write his master thesis about it.

The Travelogue, Part XII - Thailand: Tourist Types

When you write about travels, and you want to keep people entertained (and not just up to date), some countries are easier than others. Iran, for example, was pretty straightforward: its culture is little known and often misunderstood, its sights are broadcasted infrequently and few tourists venture there. Thailand, on the other hand, is quite the opposite. Thai culture has reached the western world in many (if watered-down) forms, almost everyone I know has been there at some point, and to call Thailand touristy is probably a crass understatement.
So instead of posting pictures of Phad Thai and aubergine curry, golden Buddhas and jungle treks, I've decided to ramble about various topics that come to my mind while traveling this lovely country, and this post is about a social condition most of us find ourselves in at some point in our lives, a condition to which responses can be as manifold and individual as there are people on the planet, yet I find they can be classified. This condition is called being a tourist, and Thailand is one of the best places to study it in the wild. Here are some of the types I frequently encounter. Feel free to add me to one of them, if you wish.

Pictures are for illustrative purposes only.

The Ticklister

"Yeah, I've been there."

 

The Ticklister is the ultimate tourist. Whether they come as tour groups or backpackers, they share a desire to see as many hotspots as possible. Armed with a Lonely Planet, they do not waste a day to go through all the recommended must-sees a the country has to offer. They are in a constant battle against reality, with weather and public transport being their worst (since most unpredictable) enemies on their quest to squeeze every drop of nature and cultural heritage out of their destination. Ticklisters hate unforseen events, and if something is not recommended or well known, they will not bother. They are best recognized by incessant picture-taking, as proof that they were there is more important than the actual experience. For the Ticklister, the number of countries travelled and the amount of sights visited within them is a direct measure of ego (I call it the Travelcock) and cosmopolitanity. The fact that he actually experiences little of the life around him does not keep him from considering himself and expert on local culture and travel destinations in general. After all, there's proof he has been there, right?

Traveling with Ticklisters is nice if you just want to tag along, or happen to want to see the same things. Make sure you are a good proof of successful travel, and don't dare to delay.

The Fauxcal

"If you want to see the real Thailand..."

 

For some people, coming and seeing is not enough. Some of these people simply stay longer, or learn the language a bit better or travel away from the tourist routes. Yet for a small select group, even that is not enough. This group are the Fauxcals.
Fauxcals want the REAL experience, and they will say that often. REAL stands for Remote, Extreme, Anachronistic and Local, and is the utmost Fauxcal compliment. When you meet Fauxcals in a touristy place, they will give you a sour face (because they have been discovered) and then go through every major sight explaining at length how it is all overrun with tourists, and if you want the REAL thing, you should go to (remote) village X and Y, where local culture still prevails. The harder it is to get there, the better. They are the equivalent of the urban music nerd, who will always talk about bands you have never heard of, and will stop liking them once you do. Fauxcals tend to pick one single country and then try to reach maximum immersion into the local culture: they learn the language (in the country of course), they follow all rules of etiquette to the letter, and they only hang out with with locals. They are obsessed with getting closer and closer to the "local price" for their daily commodities, which they consider a measure of how far they have progressed on their path to indigenousness. If they could, they would shed their skin to look like a native. The tragic irony is, however, that Fauxcals are doomed to sit in the uncanny valley of tourism, versed enough to be accepted, but too off to be considered a full part of society. Fauxcals console themselves with the fact that everyone else's experience is less REAL than theirs.

Fauxcals are extremely valuable if you want to, you know, experience the REAL place.

The Slackpacker

"What day is it today? Totally losing track o' time, man..."

Slackpackers, Slackos for short, come to other countries to chill out. Their main requirements for a country are that it be cheap and sunny, and they care little for it's sights and heritage. Finding their own countries an unbearable abundance of pressure and hassle, they enjoy the "slow life" of developing countries, and taking it easy for its own sake. Easily recognizable by their ten day beards and comfy-wear, Slackos are mostly caught ambling between their lodging, the beach and the nearest food court. They are rarely seen at tourist attractions, as there are too many people and touts, causing unnecessary stress and expenditure. They also rarely make much effort to learn the language, as this requires too much work. Slackos usually stay until their money runs out, at which point they try to find a job (usually teaching English or doing bar work) or return home, ceaselessly lamenting the weather and the pace of their lives back home. If they do find a job, Slackos become Stuckos, never returning home because they can't be bothered and no lack of money forces them to. Once they reach retirement age, they usually open a hostel or bar in whichever town they happened to get stuck in, catering to the next generation of Slackos.

Slackos are easy to befriend and great to hang out with, just don't expect them to follow you anywhere.

The Knight Errant

"I've been in a monastery retreat for the last month, and it's really given me something but I think I need to move on, and now I'm trying this."

 

Mostly female, but frequently male, the Knight Errant is on a quest for...well, see, now here's the problem: she doesn't quite know, but she figured going somewhere not home would somehow fix that. Knight Errants are usually hard-working, successful and driven individuals who somehow feel they have lost themselves somewhere along the way to perfection. On a quest to "find themselves" they roam different countries, smothering themselves with extracurricular activities and semi-spiritual experiences in that hope they might get an answer (or at least relief) from their quest for meaning. Between travels, they take up some lucrative job (they have many talents) somewhere until the feeling of emptiness overcomes them again, and they feel they must go on another quest. You can find Knight Errants anywhere, from temples to beaches, as they try to be very complete personalities (on paper), mixing with almost all types of other people.

Traveling with Knight Errants is usually very inspiring, but since you are unlikely to hold their attention for long, they will leave you long before you even consider the same.

The Hippy

"Everybody here is so nice to me!"

 

Whereas some people make elaborate preparations before they visit a country, reading up on its beauties and pitfalls, its political situation and culture, the Hippy does none of that. Once she (or he) has seen this one amazing picture in this magazine, and ever since her dream has been to go there, to this magnificent mysterious world of unknown colours and scents, full of untouched, heart-warmingly friendly people. Her travel preparations consist of booking a flight into (not out of) the country and gathering enthusiasm and excitement, which she believes will get her through everything. A hallmark of the Hippy is her total and persistent ignorance of all dangers and potential problems; she will ignore cultural boundaries ("We're all the same!"), safety warnings and people's bad intentions altogether, believing that her ever-positive attitude and the natural goodness of the world will always work in her favour. If she has to acknowledge anything bad happening, she will blame it on capitalist western influences, rather than to challenge her dream of the eternally good native. Most of the time you find the Hippy either stuck in the middle of nowhere because she forgot to exchange money, or practicing Yoga at any random green spot she can find. While the Hippy's trusting attitude does indeed get her further then most people would expect, things go wrong quite frequently, and often terminally (lone hikes, drug parties, "friendly" strangers).

Hippies are great travel mates, as their unwavering positive attitude will keep you afloat while you make sure that they actually manage coming along. After two weeks the very same thing will annoy you so much you will part ways.

The Sheep

"You should go to Phuket. It's the best, really, we go there every year. It's got a KFC and everything."

 

By far the most common tourist species in Thailand, the Sheep actually hates the place, which is reflected in their constant complaining about anything local. He would much more prefer it to be warmer in England or Germany instead, but, alas, has to come to a faraway country to experience reliable sunshine and white, sandy beaches. Most Sheep never see more than one or two places in the country they are visiting, and get carefully herded around by benevolent travel agency shepherds. In the more extreme cases they might actually not even see more than two buildings (airport and hotel) on their whole trip. They shun local food for fear of diarrhea or spiciness, instead settling for good, well known homeland grub, such as burgers, schnitzel and wurst. The exact opposite of the Fauxcal, the closest contact a Sheep will ever make with regional culture is local beer (as it's cheaper than at home) and prostitutes (same). Some of them leave their resorts in groups, but their fear of the unknown keeps them close to areas with English menus and expat bars. Of all the Sheep, the Lager Lout and the Aging Thai Girl Aficionado breed are the ones you are most likely to encounter while traveling.

Sheep are the people you want to talk to if you feel really, really homesick, and you really long for some rural accent and a drunk shag with someone who looks like a cooked lobster.